Original: Spinning through the hallway, I had no idea where I was; or who any of these people were for that matter. I was lost, without a clue. Struggling to see familiar faces, I trudged onwards to class. Many friend groups gather around and gossip about the typical high school mumble jumble. The secretive aspect of not knowing the topic of conversation intrigued me even more. Everyone had his or her middle school memories to look back on, and I, well I had mine too. Good ones at that. That is what made it so hard to relate. All my previous encounters with puberty and adolescents were shared with a different group of people. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends at this school, some of my best friends at that! It just took four years to figure it out.
Revised: Spinning through the hallway. I had no clue where I was. I had no idea who all these people were either. I felt lost. It was difficult, but I trudged onwards to class. Other friend groups gathered to gossip. Not knowing the topic intrigued me the most. The middle school memories were flying throughout the chatter of students. Mine were locked inside my vocal box. All my friends were next door, at a different high school. I shared all my major moments with them. I had some good friends who went through the same thing I did. I took them for granted at first. They were my best friends at the end of the day. The day lasted a quick four years.
I decided to post this example because it shows importance in sentence structure. Personally, I believe that without combining sentences and keeping detail within those sentences, it seems dry. This exercise has helped me show what sentences work with more detail and which ones might actually sound better if simplified. Overall, this is a great exercise and has helped me develop my paragraph into something better than the original, even though I did not modify the whole thing!
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